The past two weeks past in a blur of back to school and edits and random need-to-dos, and honestly, I have no idea where the time went.
But I’m back and today I’m posting the follow up to Barth the Moo and his panty-liners, and how “I” almost became a murderer.
***.
Once settled in one of the guest’s suite, I headed to join the family and friends gathered in the patio, passing by aunt Crozella’s relaxation room. I ducked my head inside, found it empty.
Five minutes, I told myself.
I’d been sitting in the comfortable recliner for almost half an hour, watching some classic show I didn’t know the name of when I picked the wrong remote and clicked. Instead of the channels switching, the chair behind me began to vibrate and undulate. Delighted, I forgot about the bad show, leaned my head back so my neck could benefit from the massage and moaned with pleasure. After my long flight and sweaty, horrifying drive with Barth the Moo and his scented panty liners, I really needed this.
As if my thoughts had conjured the guy, I heard him call my name, his voice so close. Alarmed, I closed my eyes just as his steps stopped at the door.
“Hey,” he said, but I didn’t reply.
In hindsight, I should’ve paused the massage, maybe even turned off the TV. Still, , nothing would’ve prepared me for what Barth did next.
Moving closer, he tried again, “you asleep?”
I swallowed my “duh” and suppressed the need to roll my eyes, as well as prevent a groan of gratitude from escaping when the back of the recliner changed into a rhythmic percussion.
“It’s a seizure!” he shouted, and startled, my reactions were two seconds too slow. I suddenly found myself dragged to the floor with Barth over me, one hand – thankfully without any panty liner – holding my head sideways.
Before I could say anything, Barth had the audacity of shoving two meaty fingers into my mouth and pinning my tongue.
“Uhmmmmmmmmm” I tried buckling, but all I accomplished was getting Barth to pin my legs down with his knee. In the back of my mind, I was pretty sure he was doing it all wrong.
“Call for an ambulance!” Barth shouted, and soon a stampede of running feet approached.
“Uhmmmmm!”
“It’s a seizure!” Barth shouted to whoever reached the relaxation room first.
I tried moving my head to see who had come and plead for mercy with my eyes. Barth shouted, “see how her eyes are pin wheeling! Call the ambulance!”
And Victor, the good Samaritan he was, dialed 911 while everyone piled around me. I let myself go limp, hoping someone would have the good sense to pull Barth off of me – and keep him far, far away until my murderous urges have passed. I’d never live this one down, I was sure of it.
**Did you miss the previous piece and the panty liner incident? Check it out here: https://authorsinspirations.wordpress.com/2019/07/22/pun-fun-and-carefree/
Hope you had fun!
Wow, what a development! Hope there’s a part three to follow.
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There is. I’m hoping to write at least three more – two, as I already have the last one ready. Any suggestions?
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I wouldn’t want to interfere. I’m rather like your narrator, settling back and enjoying the unexpected experience.
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Agh! What a horrible nightmare! Remind me never to sit in a massage-recliner! (Okay, I laughed a little, too.) Fun read.:-)
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if you use one in private, you should be fine 😉 Glad it made you laugh, even if it was a little. Thanks for the visit!
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Hilarious. I’ve almost been caught out before doing the fake sleep routine. In hindsight, I’m glad no-one thought I was having a seizure. 🙂
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I’m sure from now on you’ll consider the consequences of faking asleep on a massage recliner.
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At least he didn’t try the “kiss of life” LOL
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He still might. “I and Barth the Moo'”story isn’t over yet. 😉
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I may never sit in another recliner again!
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Well, if you do, try never to fall asleep 😉
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That guy is a menace!
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He is indeed!
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Hahaha the Barth chronicles, getting better with every new episode. Waiting for the next
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I think I have the next one! It’s cooking in my head at the moment. I like the name “The Barth chronicles’.
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the head is doing a great job, don’t forget to gimme credit when the Barth chronicles become famous the bestseller
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I sure will!
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Hahahah, well, at least Victor & Barth would be good in an emergency 😂
Caz xx
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I wouldn’t want Barth near me even if i was dying 😉
Thanks for the visit, Caz!
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Sounds like the driver my year in the UAE who would arrive 30 minutes earlier each morning.
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You’re lucky if he arrived early. Most drivers I know here in the middle east are always late.
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You know exactly where to leave a good cliffhanger. I want to know what happens next! Looking forward to Part 3!
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I have it brewing in my head. I’ll probably write it down at the end of the week, but i’ll leave it to “marinate” for a week or two before i post it. Thanks for reading!
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Oh my! What a story, Jina!
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Thanks!
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Lol. I sure do hope this is fiction. What an awful experience and yet so absurd that it’s hysterical. I read through the comments and see there’s a part 3 coming. Well done, Jina. Thanks for the laugh.
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It’s fiction, yes. Part 3 is brewing in the recess of my mind. Coming soon!
Thanks for taking time to visit. hope everything is going well on your side.
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Hahahah I’m waiting for the next part in the series!
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Coming soon!
Thanks for the visit!
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This is absolutely hysterical. Can’t wait for part 3.
Is this fiction or true story? Or BOATS? Because I see that you told Laurie that the story is “brewing” in your head, yet I thought you said the first part REALLY happened.
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God, it’s fiction – both of them. The first one was inspired by a panty liner add I came upon – I only saw the ‘absorbent sanitary napkin’ at first and thought it was some sort of anti-bacterial tissue or something. this second one’s been sitting for about two weeks in my doc folder. I have the last one ready *part 5 or 6* , and am mulling over part 3.
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OK. Thank you for cluing me in. It might as well be real. Yay for more laughter to come!
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I’m dying! LOL This was so funny. I can’t wait for part 3.
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Thanks!
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Too funny!
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Thank you!
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Oh Barth! What a fun series, can’t wait to read more 🙂
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Thanks! Third part coming soon.
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So funny!
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thank you!
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Loved this one! By the by, have you considered trying the freebie version of Grammarly? I find it’s excellent for catching minor glitches and punctuation wobbles in my stuff. Works with Gmail, too. [Full disclosure: I’m not connected to Grammarly in any way. I just like their free product!]
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Thank you!
Yes, I do have grammarly – it stays off unless I’m doing the last edit of a manuscript since it makes everything so slow.
Thanks for the tip – I also use pro writing aid.
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Well – at least he didn’t have the panty liners. Thanks for the laughs, Jina!
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My pleasure, Teri. Glad to see you back in the bloggosphere!
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That is so funny… and of all the people, it had to be Barth! Lmao. 😀
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He’s so infuriating! Thanks for the visit and have a lovely evening!
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😀
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Very clever! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
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You’re welcome! Part III coming soon!
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LOL Barth needs to die.
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Ah, then there wouldn’t be more episodes. He’ll stay, for now at least 😉
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lol
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How did I miss this? Way too vivid and real *shudder. Which just means you write well…
I loved the previous one…
💕🕯🌟
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Thank you! Next one – The baking soda incident, coming soon!
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I’m looking forward! I was trying to think of funny things for you to write about but I haven’t been able to. Yet.
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Great read, Jina. I’m off to read the earlier one so I’m up to date. Good chuckle…Xx
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Hi Jane. Apologies, I found this comment in the spam folder.
Thanks for the comment and the visit! Hope you enjoyed.
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