It was the strangest summer of my life. It started with a wedding invitation that required me to leave my comfortable, quiet hills for a week in the noisy, stinky and crowded city.
The first incident happened when my designated chauffeur, a guy from overseas called Bartholomew, affectionately dubbed Barth the Moo for his quirky character, arrived at the airport in aunt Crozella’s ancient van – the one she used to pick us from the school’s playground when my parents were out of town.
Climbing into the passenger’s seat, I noted the pack of carefree panty liner, sitting open above the dashboard at once. If Barth found it strange, he didn’t say anything as he climbed into the driver’s seat and thumped the door shut with so much force, the van rocked for a few seconds.
“Ac ain’t workin’ so we gotta leave the windows down,” he said as he started the ignition. The old van farted, burped and finally roared to life, the sound like of those old western trains chugging along the railroad. And god, just as loud. I could just see myself dying in half an hour from a headache, or a heat stroke (temps were over three digits!), maybe even an accident when the old metal can exploded with us inside.
I saw it then, how could I miss it? Barth had a panty liner stuck to his right palm. He grabbed the steering wheel with both hands – the thing looked like it needed a sailor to navigate – unaware that he had something glued to his hand.
I recalled Cousin Deloris talking about Barth’s prostheses, but I was pretty sure it was the left leg, not the right arm. And then I saw the second panty liner, stuck to the headrest of the driver’s seat. And when I pulled away, there it was, another one on the headrest of the passenger’s seat.
“Uh, Barth?” I began, unsure how to continue. How did you tell a guy he had a female sanitary napkin stuck to his hand?
Barth noted my flushed face, gave me a reassuring smile that showcased white, crooked teeth, swiped his right palm over his face, patted the sweat from his neck.
“You’re hot?” he asked, reaching for the carefree box and offering it to me. “It’s great absorbent,” he dropped the box on my lap. “It’s perfumed as well, so you don’ smell sour either.”
I stared at the box in horror, and all I could think was that I had an entire week ahead.
***
This is just a piece my muse spat out amidst the edits – I know, we need a break!
Hope you had fun!
Check out the next Barth incidents here:
The Recliner Incident:
https://authorsinspirations.wordpress.com/2019/08/26/the-recliner-incident/
The Baking Soda Incident:
https://authorsinspirations.wordpress.com/2019/12/09/the-baking-soda-incident/
How very practical of him! This did make me smile, Jina 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
I aim to please, Cath. Glad it brought a smile!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁😁😁❣
LikeLiked by 2 people
I enjoyed this, Jina. Thanks for sharing!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Glad you did, Jill, I had fun writing it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha he was right… But it was perfumed? Damn I don’t get that here
LikeLiked by 5 people
Yeah? Unscented is better, I think.
LikeLiked by 3 people
That’s lateral thinking at it’s best. Yes, super absorbent but highly inappropriate. 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
hehe, couldn’t help myself here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😂😂😱 what a story!!!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Glad I made you smile!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Haha, I laughed so hard at the panty liners! What a great story!
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’m glad I made you laugh! have a nice week!
LikeLike
I can see this happening!! Great description.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks!
LikeLike
When in Rome, do as the Romans.
LikeLiked by 3 people
And wear bed sheets?
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am so glad this was fiction! Otherwise, I’m appalled!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Haha, I had fun here, Jacqui.
LikeLike
Lol, great post 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! Well, he’s right about the absorbancy! The guy certainly is creative. Great story, Jina. I hope the wedding was fun.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Ha, glad you enjoyed. I’m still trying to think about a good follow up story. My muse isn’t happy with the distraction.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hilarious. Saw the picture of the panty liner and wondered how on earth it fitted in to the story!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Glad you enjoyed. I had a hard time finding an image on pixabay!
LikeLike
LOL
LikeLiked by 3 people
😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was a very fun and humorous read! 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
Glad you enjoyed, MB.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww, that’s too funny, and the best was how you told the story, Jina!
LikeLiked by 5 people
Thanks! I aimed to please 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love the story and the nickname – Barth the Moo! 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks! I had a lot of fun writing this one – it was a great break from the constant editings.
LikeLiked by 2 people
haha..very innovative, great ideas need us to think beyond the stereotypes
LikeLiked by 4 people
Glad you enjoyed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fabulous fun. Well done.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you! Sorry just found your comment in spam.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my gosh. I’m glad this was fiction. Thanks for the laugh…
Love, light and glitter
LikeLiked by 3 people
You’re welcome. Glad I made you laugh!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha that was a funny story!!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you!
LikeLike
Oh, I enjoyed this, JIna – thanks for the laugh!
LikeLiked by 3 people
My pleasure, Teri. I love writing it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s pretty funny, but oh how creative. Actually, surgeon sometimes will recommend putting pads against seeping wounds in place of gauze. Whatever you have available kind of thing.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Thanks. I didn’t know about that part about wounds.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tampons for gunshot wounds too. Whatever works to stop the bleed!
LikeLiked by 2 people
tampons for gunshots…. ouch!
LikeLiked by 1 person
sounds like a very practical use, well written!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
glad of the giggle 🙂
LikeLike
😉
(Sorry for late response just found this in the spam).
LikeLiked by 1 person
ah those WP gremlins strike again 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was hilarious!
LikeLiked by 3 people
thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol. Nice little story. 😀
LikeLiked by 3 people
thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow I would have been in shock! 😉
LikeLiked by 3 people
🙂
LikeLike
great one! still laughing as I write this 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you! There’s part II coming soon….
LikeLiked by 1 person